For instance, did you know the reason unemployment is still around 10 percent is because of Steve Jobs? It’s true if you read ZDNet. Also, did you know you can review a product before you’ve seen it? There’s absolutely no problem with that. Finally, did the Macalope end up scoring himself an iPhone? Read to the end for the thrilling conclusion!

(Spoiler: sad trombone.)

ZDNet: home of the spurious, link-trolling argument. Ask for it by name. Accept no substitutes.

Are you people ready for this? No, seriously, this might actually take some preparation on your part. Do some deep knee bends, maybe a few laps around your sitting room, something to limber up, and then drink a lot of water, because this one is a shot to the gut.