But Dvorak gets the Apple bashing out of the way early in this piece. And gets right into the crazy.

Well, as many of you know, I do not find tablets that useful.

Translation: In my day, we put on our bear fur coats before using laptops the size of steamer trunks, which were fueled by burning whale fat! And that's the way we liked it!

But the 7-inch tablet, to me, is a giant mobile phone.

Uh, without the phone part, of course.