Windows 7 Professional. This version uses exactly the same code as Home Premium, only it has a fancier splash screen and costs US$200 more per copy.

Windows 7 Amateur. Similar to the Professional version, except that Windows Explorer randomly deletes important files, spelling and grammar checkers introduce errors into your documents, and Windows Mail randomly sends really funny e-mails to everyone in your address book.

Windows 7 Green. New eco-friendly version of Windows that cranks down CPU cycles to roughly six per second, improving energy conservation. Because it's built on the Vista rendering engine, most users won't notice any difference.

Windows 7 Secure. This is the version to use if you're planning to surf the Internet, send e-mail, connect to a corporate network, or do anything besides playing Mah Jong. Improved User Account Controls perform a quick iris scan to determine that you are in fact the machine's owner before launching applications. New security software detects when you've got crushing deadlines and chooses those moments to update Windows, scan your drives for malware, and perform a forced reboot.

Windows 7 Executive. This replaces the Aero interface with a big smiley face that converts with a click of the mouse to an impressive but utterly useless business analytics dashboard and/or porn. Designed for busy CEOs who never learned how to operate a computer, it ships with a custom keyboard featuring a large round "Any" key in the center.