BWAHUH WHAT? Oh. Phew. Sorry, the Macalope must have dozed off there in the middle of all those tired old arguments.

In cell phones, Android does have a higher global market share (although not, apparently, ) and there are certainly arguments to be made in favor of Android-based phones over the iPhone, but Noyes is apparently less interested in making them than in winning a free set of steak knives from the Trite Generalities Promotion Counsel of Weak Tea, Indiana.

Noyes has no real evidence to back up her anecdote soup. She simply says Android is ascendant because it’s more “diverse, compelling and powerful” and ignores some inconvenient facts. Like that the reason that the 30 percent of Android users who’d rather have an iPhone don’t just switch . Which explains how the iPhone can be while Android still has higher market share. But the fact that carriers are able to give away Android-based phones doesn’t support Noyes’s argument. No, it’s all about choice and freedom from “walled gardens” and open-source puppies and kittens and adorable mutant open-source puppy-kittens.

Apple could try to make a phone that carriers could give away for free. Maybe they’re working on that now. Or maybe they’ve just decided that they can’t make one that doesn’t suck and, rather than drag down their reputation, they’re just going to cede the low end of the market to Android and focus on the juicy, profit-basted end like they do with Macs. Mmm, desperation never tasted so good.

Noyes also doesn’t want to talk about fragmentation. It’s apparently a “diverse” and “powerful” feature of Android that carriers are not “compelled” to provide timely upgrades, which is why , a full seven months after its release.