Oh, hi, yes, I'm fine except my cell phone stopped working!
Thank you for that information sir. Are you calling from your cell phone?
My cell phone? No, I told you, it stopped working, there's no service.
Thank you for that information sir. What is your number please?
My number! I already entered that already. Twice! Didn't you get it?
No, I am sorry sir, but I didn't get your number, could you repeat it please?
OK, it's 805-555-1212.
Thank you for that information sir. Please hold for one or two minutes while I access your account.
[Bad music. Three minutes later.] Thank you for your patience. I have your account in front of me Mrs. Smith and ...
Excuse me, my name isn't Smith and do I sound like a woman to you?
Oh, I'm sorry, thank you for that information sir. Your number, could you give it to me please?
Again?! It's 805-555-1212.
Thank you for that information sir. Please hold for one or two minutes while I access your account.
[Bad music. Six minutes later.] Hello sir? Thank you for your patience sir. I see you requested a number transfer.
Yes, that's right, I want my home phone number which is on Vonage to be my cell number.
Thank you for that information sir. That is being done right now, sir, and should be complete by the 20th.
The 20th? But that's 10 days away! Why is it going to take so long?!
Thank you for your patience sir. The reason is Vonage is a wireline service and it takes longer to transfer than from a cell phone.
But why do I have no cell phone service now? It worked yesterday!
Thank you for that information sir. Please hold for one or two minutes while I access your account.
[Bad music. Five minutes later.] Thank you for your patience, Mrs. Smith ...
For heaven's sake! I told you, my name isn't Mrs. Smith!
Oh, excuse me and thank you for that information sir. Your number, could you repeat it again please ma'am, er, sir?
FOR GOD'S SAKE! IT IS 805-555-1212. WRITE IT DOWN MAN!
Thank you for that information sir. Please hold for one or two minutes while I access your account.
[Bad music. Nine minutes later.] Thank you for your patience, sir. I see you cancelled your account.
What?! No! I just requested a number transfer.
Thank you for that information sir. But you understand that there will be an early termination fee. It will be on your next bill.
No, no, no! I didn't cancel my account!
According to our records, it says that you cancelled on the first, Mrs. Smith.
I AM NOT MRS SMITH YOU DOLT!
Oh, sorry sir, thank you for that information -- could you give me your number again please sir?
Argggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh! [Whooshing sound ...]
Sir? Sir? Hummm. [click]
The Centers for Disease Control has reported a wave of what appear to be cases of spontaneous human combustion. Spontaneous human combustion is where a human being bursts into flame leaving behind little more than ashes. Long thought to be an urban myth, the recent rash of cases has given scientists new evidence to examine. A CDC bulletin will be released shortly.
In other news cell phone carriers are reporting an unusually high rate of customers defaulting on their accounts. A spokesman for the industry commented that these customers simply stop paying and will not respond to letters or phone calls. The spokesman said that this is thought to be due to the economic downturn.
Flame on to backspin@gibbs.com.